Choice and circumstance

Choice and circumstance - One day, recently, I decided to browse at the bookstore near my house. I was both surprised and pleased to find many books on single mothers, on one of the shelves. And I began wondering at the many transformations this could represent. Is it because famous Publication Houses, which have a wide reach in the market, publish these books? Are 'single moms' an important part of todays reality? Has the women's movement created a space for thinking about issues in new ways? Or is it merely that the titles of these books are eye-catching? Whatever the reason, it is good to know of feminist contributions in emerging facets of life.

These books entail experiences of single mothers, as they cope with multiple emotions and challenges in a world defined by the nuclear-extended family, which is regarded as the norm in India. Even in the post-globalization, market oriented, consumerist metropolitan India, the family (as shown in advertisements), is the nuclear family plus dad's mother and father on the one hand, and couple on the other. The single mother phenomenon is an aberration in such situations and there are almost no institutional supports available for women to mediate their difficulties.

The experiences of single mothers constitute a series of stories of women from different social locations. The women are drawn from different communities, regions and professions. There are stories of extreme fragility - of survival, of choices denied and others consciously made, of anger and bitterness at betrayals, and of pleasure gained at achieving autonomy. No two stories are similar, even as there are many common threads.

There are many other issues that the individual reader can relate to, or draw out from the richly woven tapestry of experiences that women recount as they generously let you into their lives, their difficulties, their sorrows and their fears as well as their dreams and hopes. These stories seem very honest accounts - of anger and rage, and a sense of betrayal at the break up of a marriage. There are equally honest recognitions of ex-partners’ - that they are not villains’ but rather another person with his own needs and shortcomings.

There is also a stage, where the women see their selves as part of a flow of people, work, music and laughter, of being able to finally relish their own space and freedom. Not all the stories are about reaching some kind of resolution to difficulty. There is an implicit understanding that there is considerable insecurity in their lives. But equally, there is the insight that security usually goes along with economic dependence, and accepting arbitrariness as an aspect of the relationship with a partner.

As a famous author puts it, the price of security could also be the condition that "no home is forever". And when that home breaks up - through death, abandonment or choice - you could be left feeling that as a single woman there is no one for you. Or, that although it's been a long, tough journey, you have created your own secure kind of place. Single mothers face problems and overwork, yet they also preserve autonomy and independence. – A choice made in a circumstance.

* Vidhi Agarwal
* Courtesy: Uma Chakravarty